Sit back, relax, and don't bother watching the NFL season because all you need to know is going to be right here on this page...so, SPOILER WARNING! Don't say I didn't warn you!
- Since I predict every year, seemingly, that the Jets’ Ryan will lose his job...this year I predict he WON’T lose his job...teach you a lesson, fate.
- The Seahawks will remain scary and post the best record in the league.
- Johnny Football...oh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...you suck...like hard. Think how much money was wasted on buying his jersey. I mean, how can Brown’s fans continue to buy jerseys when they know every player, EVERY SINGLE ONE, will be a bust. Back to this dork, he won’t start more than 5 games and will only post 2 wins. I swear, this kid is my new Kevin Kolb...
- Speaking of overrated QBs, look for Joe Flacco to repeat...at being terrible. But, he will excel at playing with criminals!
- Vikings won’t do much this year and that will hurt Peterson’s numbers. 1,200 yard and 11 TDs.
- The curse of the ginger won’t be lifted this year, Andy Dalton will lose another opening round play-off game.
- The Steelers will have the worst defence in the division...staggering to say that, but come on.
- Cardinals will have the best defence in their division...just will continue to Palmer the game away on offense.
- Raise your hand if you knew Tampa Bay had a pro football team! What...no one? OK, well I fact checked it and it is true. They will have no more than 4 wins. Or fans for that matter.
- San Diego will quietly post a really good year, but the Broncos will still hog the limelight even though they will split their games. Also, Rivers will lead the league in complaining like a little girl about calls that were so right even the blind agree with the refs.
- Wow, the Giants on paper look terrible. Eli looks dazed and confustupid (™, my word), everything is a mess, and Coughlin is surely going to be fired. Oh God, they are going to win the Superbowl this year, aren’t they? (this is my official ALT universe Superbowl pick that I get credit for no matter what I say below)
- While I got the numbers near perfect last year for Justin Hunter in my prediction, I said it was because he was going to be bad, not because the coaches massively underused him. Not this year. Monster year for Hunter, huge redzone target. 9 TDs and over 850 yards.
- This year San Francisco finally falls off. Offense will struggle and their defense will be...well, in court most of the year at this rate.
- Despite Starscream’s constant meddling, Megatron will lead the league WR yards.
- A lot of people are high on the Jaguars...lot of people’s pick for the dark horse wild card team...NOT GONNA HAPPEN. They will get to...say, 7-9, but no better and finish 3rd at best. How could people think they are going to be good...I mean, you would have had to watch a game and we know that means only some of the player’s parents may qualify as knowledgable.
- Man, did I mention this freaking Manziel kid…just terrible. INTS >= TDs.
- Jake Locker will play at least 14 games this season. Sad that as a Titans fan I still gave myself 2 games of wiggle room.
- Rams will be back in position to take the first QB off the board this year, nice knowing you for the 4 games you played, Sam.
- Texans will start/see significant time from at least 3 QBs this year.
- My boy Geno Smith...actually has a decent year. Not stellar, but it will be the rest of the team costing them games, not Smith solely.
- Eagles will lead the league in total offense...but, I mean, half those yards will come in two games against Dallas...so is that really a thing?
- The BIlls will scrimmage pro football teams 16 times this year, which is impressive for a semi-pro team. Oh yeah, less than 5 wins.
- Tom Brady is aching to blow a Superbowl after having to sit at home last year and watch Peyton do it; thinking the whole time, “Shoot, that should be me out there letting everyone down!” He recommits and has a stellar year. Also, he is bald.
- Bishop Sankey will rush for 1,150 yards and 8 TDs in his rookie season.
- Peyton Manning has another amazing year, just not as good as last. No noticeable drop off in play.
- Jay Cutler will post impressive numbers despite missing 2 games but the Bears will not have a winning record due to the defense (Ditka must be rolling over in his sausage-encased grave).
- RGIII will work hard to get a coach fired in record time this season, 6 wins.
- Saints may try to run the ball out of sheer boredom. 72% of offense will be passing.
- Hey, how about those Dolphins? Notice the question mark, not an explanation point. Expect their QB to regress in yards and TDs.
- Colts will struggle this year, especially on the o-line. It doesn’t help when your running back has a deadly skin allergy to the line of scrimmage. Expect the Colts to win 1 less game and dip in total offense.
- It’s a contract year for Derrick Morgan, so he will finally be hitting the QB...at least while they still have the ball and not just during post game handshakes
- Andy Reid will continue to be...well, fat. Oh yeah, no play-offs for you big boy!
- BONUS COLLEGE PREDICTION: Mountaineers start pulling things back together and have at least an 8 win season.
- CJBarely1K will start the year strong but fade into his Titan-esque 55 yard games by the end of the season.
- Tony Romo won’t stay healthy all year...perhaps due to exhaustion due to his offense only getting 3 minute breaks while the D allows 3 play TD drives over and over again.
- Chris Berman MIGHT think that the BIlls need to refocus to do better, perhaps in a round manner featuring Conestoga-based transportation.
- Jake Locker will have at least 10 more TDs than INTs.
- The Redskins won’t change their name by the end of the year...but things will get embarrassing with networks and announcers refusing to use their name.
- Panthers will have a bottom 5 offense, no WRs may actually backfire in the modern NFL.
- The Raiders...will...man...can I even name a player on that team...huh… Oh, Derek Carr, he is a person I think. Uh...not good, more INTs than TDs.
- Steelers will make a late season push but just fall short of the play-offs, losing a tie break to the Titans due to the head-to-head victory.
- Jon Gruden will really like “this guy” and will tell you why.
- Sam Bradford will likely not win Comeback Player of the Year for courageously coming back from last year’s injury.
- LeSean McCoy, who, by the way, is not as Irish as his name suggests, will lead the league in rushing.
- DeSean Jackson, who, despite his name belongs to exactly the number of Irish gangs as his name suggests, will not break 1000 yards.
- Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady, Uggs Model, Patriots
- Defensive Player of the Year: JJ Watt, DE, Texans
- Offensive Rookie of the Year: Blake Bortles, QB, Jaguars
- Defensive Rookie of the Year: Jadeveon Clowney, Scary Mofo, Texans
- NFC Play-offs: Seahawks, Packers, Eagles, Saints, Lions, Cardinals
- AFC Play-offs: Patriots, Broncos, Colts, Bengals, Chargers, Titans
- Superbowl XLIX will be between the Philadelphia Eagles and the New England Patriots