The Amazing, Infamous, and Highly Accurate NFL Predictions
Jason MaustIt has been a traditions the last few years that I send out NFL predictions to all my friends so I have it in writing what I think. My accuracy has been fairly high (around 50%) so it has become a higher calling to me in a lot of ways. Now, for this year's thoughts...
Chris Johnson is the most dynamic back in the NFL today, and maybe history...but he won't have 2,500 rushing yards. He may hit that in combined, however.
Aaron Rodgers will explode this year (not in the bad way) and will light up every team he faces, even in losses. Three little letters for him. M...V...P.
Sam Bradford will be eating a lot of turf this year, the Rams will lead the league in sacks allowed.
Brett Favre is still old...really old.
I am happy that the Cardinals cut Leinart, it saves me predicting that he will be the starter for the whole season because Dereck Anderson is terrible. So, my new, safer prediction, Derrick Anderson will be terrible. The Cardinals will not make the play-offs and will be lucky to break even.
Expect erratic coaching moves from Seattle. Carroll will be mixing things up a lot and not giving things a chance to work. Seahawks fans will begin to ask, "I wonder if Spurrier is available?"
Jay Cutler will continue to play poorly and remind everyone that he was never a winner in college, no time to start now.
No one will remember the name Tim Tebow as the season goes on. Orton will play well, but Denver will have too many other issues to focus on. Sure, he will come in for a gimmick play or two and everyone will get happy, but no more than 20 plays the whole season.
The Texans will take a step backwards.
Tomlinson will start out hot for the Jets, leading to talk about how much he still has left in the tank...until the tank runs dry around game 11 or so.
C.J. Spiller will come on for the Bills after about 4 games. He will become the home run hitter they have needed for a long time.
Despite a big tight end and T.O., Carson Palmer will have a so-so season. Nice play, but way too many picks.
Haynesworth will be good for about 10 wheeze-filled plays a game.
Kevin Kolb...man do I hate Kevin Kolb. Not that I dislike him personally, I just don't think he is the answer that Andy "has anyone seen my whole chicken mid-day snack" Reid does. Reid has always been the thing weighing the Eagles down (cause he is huge), not McNabb.
McNabb will weigh the Redskins down.
Do not expect big things from Michael Crabtree, Frank Gore will continue to be half of the 49ers offense.
What the heck is with Tom Brady's hair. I mean, I know he is a full time male model/part time football player and all, but is he auditioning for a boy band and I don't know about it. His play will be good but not great this year. Cracks in the Patriots offense will really start to appear this year.
Clinton Portis will have a bad season. He will not break 1000.
The Raiders will have a better record than the Chiefs...but let's stop all the play-off dark horse talk right now.
Panthers will have over 2,150 team rushing yards but a losing record.
Joe Flacco's play will look mediocre most of the time, but in such a weak division, it won't matter much.
The Vikings and Packers will split games this year.
Mark Sanchez had better hope that a lot of agents are watching Hard Knocks...maybe he and Leinart can get a movie deal for a buddy cop flick.
Still depressed by the lack of faith on 4th and 1 against the Colts last year, the Patriots defense will have another down year, particularly against the run.
The Ravens will struggle against the pass, even after Ed Reed comes back.
The Vikings defense will be an awesome force this year and will be the safety net against a Favre interception-filled year.
The Falcons...are a team...that plays football...that's all I got.
Remember how much I hate Kevin Kolb...double that for Michael Vick. Expect no meaningful play, a completion percentage below 50%, and no more than 3 rushing TDs.
Aaron Rodgers (I really, really like him) will throw the most TDs and Adrian Peterson will run for the most TDs.
Chad Henne will be mess this year, the Dolphins will be lucky to break even.
Brandon Marshall will not break 1,000 yards or 6 TDs.
Vince Young will complete over 65% of his passes.
The Titans D-line will look great this year.
The Titans secondary...not so much. Look for them to struggle in the passing game.
Kenny Britt will get his head in the game, but won't break 1,000 yards receiving.
Jason Jones will lead the Titans in sacks with Tony Brown a close second.
Dallas will make the play-offs, but will lose early and late due to Romo struggles.
Lions will break 5 wins.
Tampa Bay will be a phantom team, you will barely know they exist.
The over/under on Roethlisberger sexual assault charges is 3. I will take the under...but I won't bet the mortgage on it.
Jake Delhomme will be benched at least once this season.
The Redskins will lose to the Titans...mainly because I will be there and the team I want to win at games I am at in person always win.
Rex Ryan will curse in a press conference (I need at least a few easy ones here).
Drew Brees, consider yourself struck with the Madden curse. Not sure how it will come about, but they will not be going to the Superbowl and it will be his fault.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Ryan Matthews (Spiller will get attention as well, but plays for a terrible team)
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Ndamukong Suh
AFC Play-off Picture: Chargers, Colts, Ravens, Patriots, Bengals, Titans
NFC Play-off Picture: 49ers, Saints, Vikings, Cowboys, Packers, Falcons
In the game everyone cares about, the AFC will destroy the NFC. Contact your bookies, catch ProBowl fever NOW!
Superbowl (the other game everyone cares about): Packers v Titans (gotta have faith!)
Reader Comments (2)
First I want to start off by saying what a thrill it is to be on the 6 man subsription list to your blog. It's got to be true, the internet told me. 2nd, Jason, you should be using your talents in the fantasy realm (and not just for your wife's office pool) as your picks are clearly fantastical in nature. Although you did back it up with some truth.... I mean saying that Sam Bradford will spend more time on his back than the almond-faced girl is not that big of stretch, or that Tony Romo will inevidetly fuck it up, I think you said it best this weekend..... he's either the monkey or the football, and neither is good.
This is where are opinions differ.... I say both Marshall and Portis go over 1,000. And the Titans will beat the Redskins, but not because you are at the game, but because the Redskins will lose a lot. Although, I would shell out $10 to see Dirty Sanchezes on the big screen, the Jets are playoff bound. But both Kolb and Flacco will be much better than predicted.
Good luck with your predictions and your Titans, but I hope this clears it up for the other 5 subscribers
I find these predictions mostly satisfactory. Except your analysis of Tim Tebow. Although his latent homosexuality will be a challenge for him, especially in the face of such drastic changes in offense, timing, and hairstyle, I still believe he'll be the starter by Thanksgiving, and eventually the most successful gay broncos quarterback ever.