At Long Last...2011 NFL Season Predictions

Ah...it is my favorite time of the year...when finally, after months of patient waiting, it's here...new episodes of Gossip Girl are starting!  Huh?  Whatball starts?  They still play that sport, I thought it was shut down or sold to the Russians or something.  Really?  Well...damn, that sounds way better, let's focus then on this American Football thing the kids are talking about.  If only I could see into the future...

• Arizona, with their acquisition of my all-time favorite QB Kevin Kolb will now usher in a new era of not winning and not going to the play-offs.  Congrats, winners!!
• Jay Cutler...still terrible.  He will be a sack takin', injury complainin', interception throwin' machine this year. 
• Brett Favre...willl...maybe...be really, really old.  Also, I think he is done, I don't expect him back.  WAIT!  No, nevermind.
• Kansas City, I hope you have soaked up that play-off glow from last year, cause their ain't no way you will make it back.  While their defense continues to play well, the offense will see a huge drop.
• A lot of people are hyping Oakland to take that KC play-off spot.  uhhh, no.  Their old coach might have been a borderline psycho, but Cable got them to play hard.  The new coach (whose name I refuse to remember since he will be fired by week 10) will not get their terrible players to elevate to mediocre.  
• Albert Haynesworth has said all the right things this off-season, but he is still made entirely of cupcakes and crisco.  He won't see much playing time and will be forgotten by mid-season.
• Reggie Bush will continue to wow us by selling a ton of jerseys for a running back who can't run.  Sub-1,000 yard season.
• I really love the Lions this year.  Their defensive front 7 are awesome and their offense will look good.  Winning record!  No play-offs?  Boo!
• The Second Uncoming himself, Tim Tebow, will see virtually no playing time if any.  Orton will keep the critics quiet.
• Unfortunately, Broncos terrible defense will give them a losing record.
• J!-E!-T!-S!  HYPE!  HYPE!  HYPE!  For the loudest, most in-your-face team in the NFL, you bore me.  Sanchez will continue to be up and down and their defense will be very blah.  NO PLAY-OFFS FOR YOU, FAT MAN!
• I will repeat a prediction from last year.  Aaron Rodgers...M...V...P.  Hopefully this year I will be correct.
• Chris Johnson will benefit from Hasselbeck's ability to get the ball deep downfield to Britt and spread the ball, I see a 1,500 yard season with 11 TDs.
• After decades of being "the suck," people will focus on Tampa Bay's offense this year for a change.  Maybe not prolific, but impressive none the less.
• I think I like Cam Newton to be horrible this year.  He has put in the work and effort to suck, and I think he has it in him to lose 12 games or so.  Prove me right, slugger!
• The 49ers, due to their excellent ownership and front office vision, will swap starting QBs at least 3 times this year (Alex to Collin to Alex).
• Colt McCoy (the footballinest name in football) will have a solid year...but lose both games to the Steelers and not have the weapons around him to make it past 7 wins.
• Speaking of teams that can't beat the Steelers, watch for Flacco to not make it this year that he breaks the curse.  Ol' One Brow will be regressing with the loss of DMase.
• Buffalo is a city with a football stadium that a team pro team plays at.  Unfortunately that team is usually the visitor.  Bad year a comin'.  Andrew Luck, time to buy some long underwear.
• Time for Seattle to look like Seattle.  They may make it to 7-9 again on flukes, but no play-offs.
• San Deigo...Mostly Super Chargers!  They will have a better year, make the play-offs (on the virtue of the suck that is the rest of the AFC West) and their special teams will not be a concern.  Their run game will.
• Chad Henne will start the season and finish the season as QB...no promises on the middle portion.
• Bengals will be the forgotten team...and we will not see Carson...maybe ever again.
• Hmmmm...one of my best predictions ever was on how Garrard after that first great year was going to be terrible.  Now what do I lean on.  OK, Luke McCown will not start every game this season.  See Blaine by, what, week 6?
• Eli Manning, maybe wearing his helmet backwards, will slide back into his "back-foot-throwin'" form early this season, certainly not helping their injured defense.
• Pittsburgh, despite having a quiet off-season, will make the AFC Championship game, but will not be at home for that game.
• Tony Romo will be back and Dallas will have a nicely balanced offense.  Defense will lose their games.
• I feel bad for Adrian Peterson.  McNabb will play poorly and the focus will be on him more than ever.  Still, he will get to 1,400 yards and 15 combined TDs.
• Saints will look like strong contenders for the Superbowl, look for them to have the second best record in the NFC.
• Rams...play-offs...RAMS!...PLAY-OFFS!  Oh goodness.  Bradford will get them there through sheer force of will.  That and someone has to go.
• Atlanta will play great and have the third best record in the NFC...Wildcard it is.
• Matt Ryan will have a very good year, better stats in all categories.
• Speaking of records, the Patriots, as always, will have the best record in the NFL.  
• The Patriots will do so not having a 1,000 yard rusher.
• The Redskins will flop quarterbacks AT LEAST 4 times (Grossman, Beck, Grossman, some dude in line for beer).  The final flop they are hoping for is for Luck...too bad they will win one more game than Buffalo.
• SUPERTEAM ALERT!  SUPERTEAM ALERT!  The Eagles will do well this season and easily win their division with Dallas nipping at them.  However, once Vick faces complex play-off defenses like the Packers and Saints...he will crumble.  
• Speaking Vick, he will miss the majority of 3 games.
• Houston finally makes the play-offs...only to lose in the first round to a wild card team.
• The Manningless Colts will look terrible, and so will Manning when he is back...for one game.  He is probably the greatest QB of all time...he will make up the gap and make the play-offs in the Wild card.
• The Eagles will not have a rusher with over 1,100 yards.
• Offensive Player of the Year:  Tom Brady, Defensive Player of the Year:  Big Sackin' Suh
• Offensive Rookie of the Year:  A.J. Green (I am not really feeling this, I think it is a bad rookie class on offense), Defensive Rookie of the Year: Akeem Ayers
• After years of patiently waiting , Jared Cook will have that break out year Titans fans have been promised.
• The Titans, finally strong at LB, will stop the run.  The corners look better and the d-line will help.  Top 12 defense.
• Jake Locker will play at least 2 games due to Matt being injured.  He will win one and lose the other.
• If the over/under on players getting suspended is 7, I am taking the over this year.
• AFC Play-offs: Patriots, Steelers, Texans, Chargers, Ravens, Colts
• NFC Play-offs: Packers, Saints, Eagles, Rams, Atlanta, Tampa Bay
• Superbowl: Packers v Patriots
• And the game we all care about...Pro Bowl winner is...NFC!