2014 Highly Accurate NFL Predictions!

 

We wait all year for one day...all year for the one thing in life that can bring us pure, unadulterated joy and happiness.  And that day is upon us as Lord Football has decended from the heavens to deliver on to us a game between...well, two teams I don't care for.  But, football is football and praise be to it.  

But, thanks to me, there is now another reason to rejoice on this day.  For with the coming of almight football comes this year's highly accurate, lead pipe lock, predictions.  Why even watch the season...reading this is like having a swimming pool filled with those creepy girls from Minority Report.

• Typically, I don't feel like making this prediction is a big deal, but since it goes against what basically every "expert" and talking head is saying, I guess this is bold.  THE DOLPHINS, WILL NOT, I REPEAT, WILL NOT, MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS!  Any other year and I would be judged harshly for making an easy one, but now I am going against the grain...insanity.
• The J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS will have an opening at C-O-A-C-H before the Superbowl is played.
• Greg Jennings will have less than 1,000 yards receiving (hell, Ponder may not even have that many total passing yards), but AD will still show up and rush for 1,350 or more yards.
• Russell Wilson will have 37 total TDs. 31 passing, 6 rushing.  He will continue to impress.
• Every year, it is a tradition in these here parts to say horrible things about one Kevin Kolb.  Every year, no matter how much people say he is going to have a huge year, I predict he will suck and suck hard.  This year, however, he is suffering from injury going into the season, and it seems wrong to say bad things about Kevin Kolb.  In that spirit, Bevin Bolb is a putrid QB and will continue to prove that Bevin Bolb is and always will be worthless, whether it be in cleanup work or even a short injury relief stint.  As usual, the suckfest that is Bevin Bolb will be statistically irrelevant (though I expect him to be starting for the Browns next year at this rate).
• Titans wide receiver Justin Hunter, who received a lot of pre-draft hype, will be far from the superstar the Tennessee homers predict.  No more than 350 yards and 3 TDs.
• Peyton Manning will shock the world by be a spokesman for products in commercials played during football games.  Write that one down folks.
• The Saints will rebound and win the division.
• The Browns will rebound and get that 2nd overall pick in the draft secured.  Let's face it, them picking 6th was an outrage.
• The Bears new offense will give them so impressive numbers on offense...but not more wins.  8-8 or worse.
• The Honey Badger, despite playing hard and aggressive, will be "figured out" by defenses early and become a huge liability for a fairly strong Cardinals D by mid-year.  No ROTY for him.
• The Steelers will continue to struggle mightily in the run game.  No Steelers back gets over 925 yards rushing this year.
• Tom Brady, fearing people will notice his hair loss getting worse and worse, will have another Pro-bowl year and win the AFC East.
• It is absurd I still have to make this prediction, but it is still not a 100% lock:  Brett Favre will really, really probably not play in the NFL this year.
• Giants defense takes a step back, drops to bottom half of league in yards allowed and points allowed.
• The Kansas City Dolph...I mean Chiefs, WILL NOT, I REPEAT, WILL NOT, MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS.  I know a ton of experts have a Chiefs/Dolphins AFC Championship game, but those experts are idiots.  I mean, for the love of God, it is Andy Reid on a team who is run first!!!  Andy Reid!!!!!! The man throws the ball on 2nd and a centimeter and then does it again on 3rd down!
• On that note, because it is Andy Reid, the Chiefs will have a 2:1 pass-to-run ratio because that big tub of lard just can't help himself.
• The Rams will VASTLY improve...7-9. No more ties for this squad.
• Packers busted line will be an issue all year long.  No one will rush for more than 675 yards and Rodgers, who I love, will be sacked 45+ times.
• Reggie Bush will start the year strong but fizzle mid-season, like he does every year.  Less than 1,000 yards and 6 TDs.
• RGIII will start every game this year.
• Blaine Gabbert will not start every game this year.
• The Broncos will start to show their age, or at least specifically Manning's age.  They regress in all categories and only make the play-offs based on their division being terrible.
• Despite all the bluster, Jared Cook will have another underwhelming season at TE and look stupid for trying to stick the Titans up for WR money.
• Mike Wallace has less than 650 yards receiving and is widely regarded as the worst off season move of the year.
• Steven Jackson will start strong all but disappear by the end of the year.
• CJ2K won't be quite at the 2K level, but with the revamped line and the ability to follow Warmack or Levitre when they pull, he will put up stellar numbers.  1,450 yards and 7 TDs. 
• The Raiders are a team that play football, seemingly professionally.
• Expect the opposite of big things from the Eagles.  Their defense will be 24th or lower and will start at least 2 QBs during the season. 
• Tavon Austin will take back at least two kicks for TDs.
• AJ Green has a top 5 year in terms of TDs and yards, powering the Bengals to the only AFC North play-off berth. 
• Cam Newton will dazzle in several games but due to a complete and total lack of talent at every other position, Panthers still finish with less than 7 wins.
• Kenny Britt finally has the season he started a few years ago and turns in 800+ yards and 8 TDs.  Kendall Wright will nip and him in the slot with slightly less yards but more TDs.
• Texans win at least 2 less games this year.
• The Bucs are a team that play football, seemingly professionally (bad year for pirate themed teams..).
• Dez Bryant will have a better year than last year but at a cost to his QB; Romo has more INTs than last year by forcing the ball.
• BONUS COLLEGE PREDICTION:  Johnny Football (I throw up a little even typing that) will stink it up and lose at least 3 games this year.  No repeat trophy for him.
• Ah, the Ravens.  My old nemesis.  Most hated of teams.  By putting their trust in a 4th rate QB, they will pay the price.  Oh yes, they will play.  Flacco will finish with more INTs than last year and 5 games with a passer rating under 75.
• Chargers offense will struggle, will be in the bottom 10.
• J.J. Watt will knock down 8 or more passes at the line.
• Denard Robinson has virtually no impact.  Less than 2 TD passes, less than 4 TD runs.
• Redskins will lead the league in rushing.
• Patriots will lead the league in passing.
• Colts will win at least one less game, but the AFC has a down year and they still make the play-offs. 
• Offensive Player of the Year: Robert Griffin III, QB/Savior, Redskins.  Defensive Player of the Year: Richard Sherman, CB, Seahawks.
• Offensive Rookie of the Year: DeAndre Hopkins, WR, Texans.  Defensive Rookie of the Year: Ezekiel Ansah, DE, Lions.
• NFC Play-offs:  49ers, Redskins, Packers, Saints, Seahawks, Falcons
• AFC Play-offs:  Patriots, Texans, Broncos, Bengals, Colts, Titans
• Superbowl XLVIII will be between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots
• And finally, in the most anticipated game of the year, the one everyone plans all season on...NFC over the AFC in the Pro Bowl.