2015 Highly Accurate NFL Predictions!

Sit back, relax, and don't bother watching the NFL season because all you need to know is going to be right here on this page...so, SPOILER WARNING!  Don't say I didn't warn you!

• Since I predict every year, seemingly, that the Jets’ Ryan will lose his job...this year I predict he WON’T lose his job...teach you a lesson, fate.
• The Seahawks will remain scary and post the best record in the league.
• Johnny Football...oh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...you suck...like hard.  Think how much money was wasted on buying his jersey.  I mean, how can Brown’s fans continue to buy jerseys when they know every player, EVERY SINGLE ONE, will be a bust.  Back to this dork, he won’t start more than 5 games and will only post 2 wins.  I swear, this kid is my new Kevin Kolb...
• Speaking of overrated QBs, look for Joe Flacco to repeat...at being terrible.  But, he will excel at playing with criminals!
• Vikings won’t do much this year and that will hurt Peterson’s numbers.  1,200 yard and 11 TDs.
• The curse of the ginger won’t be lifted this year, Andy Dalton will lose another opening round play-off game.
• The Steelers will have the worst defence in the division...staggering to say that, but come on.
• Cardinals will have the best defence in their division...just will continue to Palmer the game away on offense.
• Raise your hand if you knew Tampa Bay had a pro football team!  What...no one?  OK, well I fact checked it and it is true.  They will have no more than 4 wins.   Or fans for that matter.
• San Diego will quietly post a really good year, but the Broncos will still hog the limelight even though they will split their games.  Also, Rivers will lead the league in complaining like a little girl about calls that were so right even the blind agree with the refs.
• Wow, the Giants on paper look terrible.  Eli looks dazed and confustupid (™, my word), everything is a mess, and Coughlin is surely going to be fired.  Oh God, they are going to win the Superbowl this year, aren’t they? (this is my official ALT universe Superbowl pick that I get credit for no matter what I say below)
• While I got the numbers near perfect last year for Justin Hunter in my prediction, I said it was because he was going to be bad, not because the coaches massively underused him.  Not this year.  Monster year for Hunter, huge redzone target.  9 TDs and over 850 yards.
• This year San Francisco finally falls off.  Offense will struggle and their defense will be...well, in court most of the year at this rate.
• Despite Starscream’s constant meddling, Megatron will lead the league WR yards.  
• A lot of people are high on the Jaguars...lot of people’s pick for the dark horse wild card team...NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  They will get to...say, 7-9, but no better and finish 3rd at best.  How could people think they are going to be good...I mean, you would have had to watch a game and we know that means only some of the player’s parents may qualify as knowledgable.  
• Man, did I mention this freaking Manziel kid…just terrible.  INTS >= TDs.  
• Jake Locker will play at least 14 games this season.  Sad that as a Titans fan I still gave myself 2 games of wiggle room.
• Rams will be back in position to take the first QB off the board this year, nice knowing you for the 4 games you played, Sam.
• Texans will start/see significant time from at least 3 QBs this year.
• My boy Geno Smith...actually has a decent year.  Not stellar, but it will be the rest of the team  costing them games, not Smith solely.
• Eagles will lead the league in total offense...but, I mean, half those yards will come in two games against Dallas...so is that really a thing?
• The BIlls will scrimmage pro football teams 16 times this year, which is impressive for a semi-pro team.  Oh yeah, less than 5 wins.
• Tom Brady is aching to blow a Superbowl after having to sit at home last year and watch Peyton do it; thinking the whole time, “Shoot, that should be me out there letting everyone down!”  He recommits and has a stellar year.  Also, he is bald.
• Bishop Sankey will rush for 1,150 yards and 8 TDs in his rookie season.
• Peyton Manning has another amazing year, just not as good as last.  No noticeable drop off in play.
• Jay Cutler will post impressive numbers despite missing 2 games but the Bears will not have a winning record due to the defense (Ditka must be rolling over in his sausage-encased grave).
• RGIII will work hard to get a coach fired in record time this season, 6 wins.
• Saints may try to run the ball out of sheer boredom.  72% of offense will be passing.
• Hey, how about those Dolphins?  Notice the question mark, not an explanation point.  Expect their QB to regress in yards and TDs.
• Colts will struggle this year, especially on the o-line.  It doesn’t help when your running back has a deadly skin allergy to the line of scrimmage.  Expect the Colts to win 1 less game and dip in total offense.  
• It’s a contract year for Derrick Morgan, so he will finally be hitting the QB...at least while they still have the ball and not just during post game handshakes
• Andy Reid will continue to be...well, fat.  Oh yeah, no play-offs for you big boy!
• BONUS COLLEGE PREDICTION:  Mountaineers start pulling things back together and have at least an 8 win season.
• CJBarely1K will start the year strong but fade into his Titan-esque 55 yard games by the end of the season.
• Tony Romo won’t stay healthy all year...perhaps due to exhaustion due to his offense only getting 3 minute breaks while the D allows 3 play TD drives over and over again.  
• Chris Berman MIGHT think that the BIlls need to refocus to do better, perhaps in a round manner featuring Conestoga-based transportation.
• Jake Locker will have at least 10 more TDs than INTs.
• The Redskins won’t change their name by the end of the  year...but things will get embarrassing with networks and announcers refusing to use their name.
• Panthers will have a bottom 5 offense, no WRs may actually backfire in the modern NFL.
• The Raiders...will...man...can I even name a player on that team...huh…  Oh, Derek Carr, he is a person I think.  Uh...not good, more INTs than TDs.
• Steelers will make a late season push but just fall short of the play-offs, losing a tie break to the Titans due to the head-to-head victory.  
• Jon Gruden will really like “this guy” and will tell you why.
• Sam Bradford will likely not win Comeback Player of the Year for courageously coming back from last year’s injury.  
• LeSean McCoy, who, by the way, is not as Irish as his name suggests, will lead the league in rushing.
• DeSean Jackson, who, despite his name belongs to exactly the number of Irish gangs as his name suggests, will not break 1000 yards.
• Offensive Player of the Year:  Tom Brady, Uggs Model, Patriots
• Defensive Player of the Year:  JJ Watt, DE, Texans
• Offensive Rookie of the Year: Blake Bortles, QB, Jaguars
• Defensive Rookie of the Year:  Jadeveon Clowney, Scary Mofo, Texans
• NFC Play-offs:  Seahawks, Packers, Eagles, Saints, Lions, Cardinals
• AFC Play-offs:  Patriots, Broncos, Colts, Bengals, Chargers, Titans
• Superbowl XLIX will be between the Philadelphia Eagles and the New England Patriots