2017 Highly Accurate NFL Predictions

 

Football, football, football, football, football, and football.  Yep, that’s all we care about right now and any human that doesn’t should be shot into space.  But, like the sun rises in the...east?, I think sounds right, well, just like that, then in a frantic few days before the first game, I rush to get my always dead-on-the-money NFL Predictions published.  Look, I know it is rough for some people not seeing these prior to their Fantasy team drafts, but them’s the breaks.  Here we go!

• Ha ha ha, remember last year when I thought Geno Smith was going to come back from that broken jaw and excel...yeah, well...ughhhh.  I will keep my face related Jets prediction streak alive and say that Stew Beard (Fitzpatrick) will not shave this year and have less TDs than last year.  

• Teddy Bridgewater will have a comfortable recovery and in no way, shape, or form have to worry about not getting his starting job back, even if his leg is completely removed.

• DeMarco Murray, Marcus Mariota, and Derrick Henry will combine for 1,650+ yards and 15+ TDs on the ground.

• Guys, I just don’t know if I can get on the RGIII bandwagon.  I mean, I know everyone thinks he will be “back” and “a star” and not “a wretched, self-promoting, Twitter obsessed, leaking bag of suck” but I am not sold.  I will put him at playing LESS than 9 games.

• I have never been happier to say the Ravens are starting a decline that there is no escape from.  Their offense is falling apart, their defense is average at best.  Despite having an ELITE quarterback (eye roll), they won’t win over 6 games.

• Tom Brady has struggled so much in training camp, I predict it will take him...say, 4 games of riding the bench to earn his way back on the field.  Yep...he will return in exactly the 5th game of season...really feeling this prediction.  

• HIs anger in regards to the benching (and no other anger being felt at any red-headed spokesape running the league) will fuel the Patriots to a 14-2 record.  

• As a Titans fan, I remember how much I loved Jeff Fisher and what a great coach he was when he was with the team.  He was always just an injury or a bad bounce away from returning us to that Superbowl glory.  Man, was I an idiot.  Rams will play 3 QBs before the end of the year.  

• His name is Tyrod Taylor.  He sounds like something a train engineer would have in a parts bin.  He will not win more than 6 games.  No one make a team circle the drain like Rex Ryan.  

• Winston will be stealing wins for the Bucs like they’re discount crab legs, they finish 2nd in the NFC South (so hard to keep a Winston reference this PG...arrrghhh!)

• Nelson’s return will be disappointing but Aaron Rodgers is such a stud Packers will still win the division.  

• Big Ben will make it through most of the season this year...cause, have you seen the other options...yeashh.  A QB so bad that the Titans cut him and Landry “Which Team Do I Throw The Ball To?” Jones.  Ben has 8 more TDs this season than last.

• With all the murders in Chicago making the news this campaign season, why are none of the candidates talking about the death of professional football there?  4 wins.

• This is NOT the year the Dolphins make a move.  Foster and Ajayi won’t combine for more than 1,100 yards and Tannehill get sacked for a career high thanks to Laremy Tunsil’s outstanding line play.  

• Falcons will be the NFL’s most stagnant team this year.  Moving backwards to 6-10.

• I feel like the Colin Kaepernick situation is going to take the attention off of the real social issue that needs our focus...which black players will Chip Kelly cut next?  The biggest insult to 49ers fans?  Gabbert will have to start every game now as a result.  That cannot be a good thing.  

• Tajae Sharpe will be the Titans receptions leader.

• The Redskins will lead the league in praying that no Kaepernick style protests will strike them for their name this season.

• Panthers will lead the league in rushing per game.

• Saints will have the worst defense in the league.

• Rams will have the worst offense in the league...again.

• Eagles will only win 5 or less games.

• DeAndre Hopkins will lead the league in receiving yards.

• Oakland will narrowly miss the play-offs but post a winning record.

• Prescott will start at least 10 games but will have at least 14 INTs.  

• So many of last year’s predictions were spent trying to be a Prophet of Manziel...granted, my prophecies were much more End of Days in that regards, but I do miss that waste of oxygen proving me right with how much he sucks.  How anyone could watch his college game tape and think he was anything more than a highlight reel made entirely of broken plays and not a single, coached play is beyond me.  Oh, I need to actually predict something...uh, Carson Wentz will be Even Steven...TD to INT (+-2).

• Lions are so boring I have nothing to say, 8-8.

• Chargers will finally challenge the theory they are mediocre...4-12 will solidify them as well below average.

• Kirk Cousins regresses a little this year but not like, RGIII regression, just slightly lower numbers in TDs, completions, and yards this year.

• Adrian Peterson will once again lead the league in rushing yards.

• The Giants will have a pretty decent regular season, which means a quick play-off exit.  They only win the Superbowl when they are jokes during the regular season.

• Andy Reid...still fat.  

• Gronk will lead the league for TEs in yards and tail.

• The Soulless Ginger Andy Dalton will not win a play-off game this year (bold prediction, I know).  

• Palmer will throw for 38 TDs, single digit interceptions.

• Ryan Mathews will get injured, Wendell Smallwood will rush for 500 yards and 6 TDs in his place.   

• Mariota’s numbers will increase in every category, if for no other reason than he plays in every game this season.  

• Eric Decker has 13 TDs and 85 receptions.

• Eli Manning will  look lost and confused in games this year.  15 INTs.

• Matt Forte will not lead the Jets in rushing or rushing TDs, Powell takes that title.

• Chris Ivory will hit 1,000 yards rushing but Jags will only get to 6-10...cause I hate them.

• Antonio Brown will lead receivers in TDs.

• Official Titans Predictions: So, as you can see below, I have them winning the AFC South, but it is an ugly win with an 8-8 tie-breaker over the Texans.  I think their offense will be vastly improved.  Tajae Sharpe is going to be able to do something the Titans haven’t been able to do for years...extend drives.  The run game is for real (also something that has been pathetic for half a decade) and they are finally getting quality talent thanks to the GM.  The problem...that defense is going to be TERRIBLE.  They absolutely must draft an impact defensive player in the first round next year.  

• Offensive Player of the Year:  Camuel Newton, QB/Choreographer, Carolina Panthers

• Defensive Player of the Year:  Von Miller, OLB, Denver Broncos

• Offensive Rookie of the Year:  Tajae Sharpe, WR, Tennessee Titans

• Defensive Rookie of the Year:  Joey Bosa...ha, oh god no, it will be DeForest Buckner, DE, 49ers  

• AFC Play-offs: Patriots, Bengals, Chiefs, Titans, Steelers, Jets

• NFS Play-offs: Panthers, Cardinals, Packers, Giants, Seahawks, Redskins

• Superbowl will be Patriots v  Cardinals

If you were wondering, last year was...an off year.  Unfortunately I was only at 48%, but I had a lot of deadly accurate predictions, so nothing to be ashamed of.  This year...bounce back baby.