2016 Highly Accurate NFL Predictions

 2016

Oh, thank heavens, it's that time of year again.  No, not time for football, funnel cake season!  But, since a lot of people seem to care about football, I suppose I should actually tell everyone exactly what is going to happen this season so they don't need to actually bother watching the games.  I'm nice like that, what can I say.  Anyhow, here is exactly, team-by-team, horrible player-by-Manziel what will happen in this glorious football season.  As a side note, last year's predictions were a little down...only 51.2% correct.  This year, I am guessing high 90s!

• Russell Wilson will like his new tight end (tee hee hee), but maybe a little too much.  He will have 5 or more less TDs to WRs as a result.  

• Geno Smith will miss at least 4-6 games with a jaw injury caused by a teamma...what, that already happened?  Really?  Wow, can’t make this stuff up.  So, let’s say he will have a rough start when he comes back but end with decent numbers (60% completions, more TDs than INTs).

• I put the over/under on NEW Patriots cheating scandals for this season at 5.  I am hesitantly taking the under.

• Sam Bradford has run all out of CL’s to tear, so I guess he will actually finish a season.

• Delanie Walker will be in the top 5 for TEs in TDs.

• BONUS COLLEGE PREDICTION: WVU will have the top defense in the Big 12.

• Last year, I used a LOT of space to talk about this Jonathan Manziel person.  And, boy, did I nail it.  Well, why should I mess with perfection?  Starts less than three games, throws 4 INTs.

• Carson Palmer won’t make it through every snap of the season.  It is Arizona’s destiny to not start less than eleven QBs a season.

• TYROD TAYLOR…you really want your wife getting that tattooed on her Rex?  Will be benched by Week 7 cause he is THE WORST!!!!

• So...the Cowboys...I was struggling between them and the Lions in the play-offs...and it wasn't easy to choose but ultimately I feel like the Cowboys won last year on the strength of doing the exact opposite of what the Red Headed Step-Coach Jason Garrett wanted to do.  Even he couldn't ignore the fact that when they ran the ball they won.  But it killed him...oh, it killed him inside.  Now, with the running back tandem he found at the bus stop in front of 7-Eleven, he can finally say, "See, we can't run with this...their is only one solution, my brilliant pass-only based offense!"  And that is why they will fail and miss the play-offs.

• Andy Reid is going to be very fat and misuse his running back (I’m going to leave the team out of this one as it can really apply to all past, present, and future teams.  

• Ravens will be a total non-factor, 8-8 even steven.  They aren’t good enough on either side of the ball to do anything other than be average.  

• RGIII will be benched by wee....what, already benched for the year?  No way?  And Jay Gruden is still employed?  I really need to start reading more news.  Man, what to predict now with these jokers…  Oh oh, got it.  5 or less wins and at least one Colt McCoy sighting.

• Falcons traded the Titans for the wretched Andy Levitre.  There is a cost of not being able to learn anything from other’s mistakes, 8 wins.  

• Bishop Sankey won’t break 750 yards rushing.

• Tom Brady continues to prove that the legal system works...for rich white people at least.  No games lost to suspension.

• Andrew Luck actually gets uglier...I know, this may be my boldest call ever.  Also, like any good Tony Dungy coached Superbowl team of old, the Colts will look super questionable all year long before falling blindly into a Superbowl appearance. 

• Vikings squeak into the play-offs, though Peterson won’t break 1,500 yards on the way there.

• The Ginger Hammer, the League Spokesape himself, the Roge’, the most hated man in New England since the British invaded, Roger Goodell will still be rich and happily employed at the end of the season.  

• Lions will quietly be a powerhouse by winning a majority of their non-divisional games and destroying the Bears twice and Vikings once.  

• Mariota will complete more than 63.5% of his passes.

• Winston will complete less than 55% of his passes...but will take 100% of the crab legs.

• The Dolphins defense will lead the league in sacks (cause I need them to for Fantasy Football purposes).

• After a big up-year for the Jaguars (yes, 3 wins qualifies), I see Bortles starting to show some veteran rust (one year at QB for Jacksonville makes you a grizzled veteran).  They will be 4th in the division this year.

• Oakland...is in fact a football team.  They will steal a few games no one expects, but won’t win more than 6.

• Cam, Cam, Cam not make the play-offs.  Sorry Panthers’ fan.  

• Rams, Rams, Rams not make the play-offs.  OK, that one didn’t work as well but they will win more games than last season (come on magic 7!).  

• Da’ Bears...more like Duh Bears, amirite?  Oh, and Jay Cutler keeps getting worse.  Drop off in all categories except middle fingers.

• CJPoint3K will have a lot of offensive line blaming to do when he doesn’t break 400 yards rushing.  

• Jon Gruden will call at least one game with “this guy” and be very impressed with his play.  

• Dez Bryant leads the league at WR in yards.

• LeSean McCoy, who, if you were unaware, is not Colt’s brother, will look like a true Buffalo Bill...less than 1,000 rushing.

• Melvin Gordon will get over 950 yards rushing for the Chargers.  

• At no point in the 2015 season (cause we ain’t seeing them in 2016), will I learn the name of the 49ers head coach.  I mean, I will hear it on TV or whatever, but it will literally vanish from my brain faster than the Duggar family’s reputation.

• Gronk is going to Gronk it all over our screens, 14 TDs.  

• Blunt will be cut at least once (if not multiple times) this season.  

• Wow, the Giants on paper look terrible.  Eli looks dazed and confustupid (™, my word), everything is a mess, and Coughlin is surely going to be fired.  Oh God, they are going to win the Superbowl this year, aren’t they? (this is my official ALT universe Superbowl pick that I get credit for no matter what I say below).  * Yes, this is a cut and paste from last year, I stand by it.

• The Ginger Dorkateer will once again position his team for a play-off loss.  Dalton may not have a soul, but he is consistent at the very least.  

• Jameis Winston, regardless of anything else he does this year, will lose his opening game to Marcus Mariota and the Titans.  While Mariota will play near error free, it will be the LeBeau defense that confounds Winston at every turn.

• Broncos used to have a player named Walker...now they have a QB that needs a walker.  To say they are going to have a bad year means saying that the Chargers, Chiefs, and Oakland will overtake them and I just don’t see that happening.  Broncos still win the division.

• Peyton will be Peyton...and by that I mean the face of EVERY SINGLE PRODUCT ON THE MARKET TODAY.  Also, similar season to last year including play-off struggle.

• Marshawn Lynch will trail off this season....lower numbers in every category.

• Titans Prediction:  Mariota will shine.  But, the team just isn’t “there” yet, so I can’t even make my customary play-off pick for the Titans.  Look for them to look good on offense (but have just too many stalled drives from dropped passes) and a high turnover defense (that still allows too many scores) but actually get to a 7 win season.  Not great, but you know what, I’ll take it.

• Offensive Player of the Year:  Tom Brady, Patr HA HA HA, oh lord no, Goodell will have him shot before that happens.  Let’s just say Aaron Rodgers, QB and maybe the future Mr. Olivia Munn, Packers

• Defensive Player of the Year:  JJ Watt, DE, Texans

• Offensive Rookie of the Year: Like there was any doubt...Marcus Mariota, QB, Titans

• Defensive Rookie of the Year:  Randy Gregory, OLB Cowboys

• NFC Play-offs:  Eagles, Packers, Seahawks, Saints, Lions, Vikings

• AFC Play-offs:  Patriots, Broncos, Colts, Steelers, Chargers, Bengals

• Superbowl  will be between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Indianapolis Colts